If I Were King 080109

If I were King: it would be mandatory for all eligible men to spend two years in the military, from age 18 to 20. They wouldn’t have to be soldiers, but they would have to serve their country. Whether it’s pealing potatoes, scrubbing toilets, or on the front line, there’s something for everyone in the King’s military.

If I were King: basic living skills would be taught in school from grade one all the way to grade twelve. It would start simple with hygiene, nutrition, and responsibility, and over time move on to balancing a checkbook and having/maintaining good credit. The effects of crime and drugs on society, and the importance of a drug free/crime free life would also be part of the curriculum.

If I were King: it would be mandatory that all teens have part-time jobs or do volunteer work between the ages of 14 and 18. Said jobs or volunteer work would total no less than 20 hours per week, summers included, with only two weeks off for vacation.

If I were King: Driver’s Ed would be required all four years of high school. Without passing grades the first two years, teens would not qualify to get a learner’s permit. Once a learner’s permit was acquired, they would have to maintain it in good standing for two years before getting an actual driver’s license, not to mention still getting passing grades the last two years of Driver’s Ed. A passing grade would be required to graduate. Failure to live up to these standards would make it all but impossible to get a driver’s license, you would have to wait until you were 21 to apply.

If I were King: drinking and driving would be punishable by the loss of the offender’s automobile, for the first offence. If it wasn’t their automobile, I’m taking their right foot. That should keep them from drinking and then driving other people’s autos, and give them something to think about. You drink, you drive, YOU LOSE A FOOT! Don’t even get me started on repeat offenders.

If I were King: Sex Ed would also be tied in with Driver’s Ed. Sex Ed would not only teach you about safe sex, STD’s, and pregnancy, it would also teach you about the financial burdens and parental responsibilities that come along with babies. All students would be assigned animatronic babies, and they would have to have the babies with them at all times during school. A little black box inside the baby would alert to neglect, abuse, and abandonment. Neglect would include transporting the baby to and from school without the aid of a properly rated and properly installed baby car seat. A passing grade would be required to graduate here too.

If I were King: snipers would be deployed to areas known for repeat spray-paint graffiti/tagging. My snipers would have orders to shoot paint cans out of the hands of offenders, and repeat offenders should be shot through their painting hand if at all possible. First time offenders would also get beaten with a stick. Repeat offenders would get beaten with a stick with a nail in it.

If I were King: my snipers would also be on the lookout for people with their pants hanging off their asses. The snipers would have the order to shoot said offenders in the ass with rock salt. Special consideration would be given to old men having trouble keeping their pants up (although you have to admit that those America’s Funniest Home Videos where the old man loses his pants would be even funnier if it ended with him being shot in the ass with rock salt. Just kidding, or am I?).