Homeless Aspirations

I have often wondered what it would be like to be homeless. Not out of fear of losing my home, but out of curiosity. It might even be more appropriate to say I’ve fantasized about it. What would it be like to live your life without a place to call your own?

Now I’m not talking about living like your run of the mill transient, wino, or hobo: eating out of trashcans, going for months without bathing, sleeping under bridges, or standing on the corner with a cardboard sign. No, I have my own special version in mind.

I’d have to have some kind of job, because I’m not very good at asking people for help, even if I know them. Homeless and have a job? Of course, life isn’t free, just because you don’t have a house payment or rent to pay. You still have to eat and a little entertainment is always nice.

Anyway, I put a whole lot of thought into the idea of being homeless, but not into the idea of the job. I’m not really sure what kind of job I would have. I’m sure it wouldn’t be working from home. That would be pretty much out of the question.

Maybe I could sell Blow-Pops. I used to do that back in school to raise money for the computer club. That would be easy enough, it wouldn’t tie me down to a schedule, and I could do it anywhere I went.

As I said before, I would not be eating out of trashcans. Hello Taco Bell! There are plenty of fast food joints out there with plenty of cheap eats. All I would have to do is sell four Blow-Pops and ~BAM!~ I got myself a double cheeseburger from McDonald’s. Being a man of the streets I’d probably stick to water in the beverage department. The price is right and hydration is key.

I’m pretty big in the hygiene department, so how would I get a shower every day? Good question. I’d have a gym membership. I could get a good workout everyday, followed by a cool swim, a quick dip in the hot tub, maybe a moment in the steam room, and then on to a nice hot shower. Brush my teeth, comb my hair, maybe a shave and I’m good for the day. A decent gym membership would cost about four Blow-Pops a day.

Now wait a minute? You just went to the gym, worked out, and then took a shower. Where did the clean change of clothes come from? Where are you going to sleep if not under a bridge? Where’s the entertainment you spoke of? Patience people, I’m getting to all of that. One thing at a time.

I got my clean clothes from my backpack. Every good homeless person should have one. No shopping carts for me. I’ve got Blow-Pops to sell. A small plastic jar is all I need there, and that too can be kept in my backpack. The backpack would also make me look more student-like, thereby lending credibility to the selling of Blow-Pops.

For entertainment I like watching movies. Now going to the movies is expensive, and I’m not sure I could sell that many Blow-Pops in a day, so I’d have to go with a membership to Netflix. For just $16.99 (approximately 2.25 Blow-Pops a day) a month I get three movies at a time. If I watch one movie a day and then return that movie after watching it I’d have a different movie every day of the week, in a perfect world. I think I would hold on to the last movie until the next movie showed up. That way I’d always have a movie to watch.

Netflix??? But your homeless! Sure, but I could get a P.O. box. Four more Blow-Pops a day and my P.O. box is paid for. But where would you watch the movies? I could go to the public library and watch them on their computers. As a matter of fact the library has movies I can check out too, for free. Maybe I’ll forgo the Netflix membership. Nah, for the sake of variety I’ll keep it. The library’s selection is slim, with only one copy of most movies, and way too many of them are artsy fartsy stuff.

I had given some thought to being a highfalutin homeless guy, having my own computer or mini DVD player, but that’s just a bit too much stuff to carry around with me. Where would I keep it when I got tired of carrying it around?

Now that’s a question I have given some thought to. Where would I keep my stuff when I got tired of carrying it around? In a mini storage of course. They rent huge ones for people with lots of stuff, and they also have tiny ones for people with just a few items. That would be me. That is if I needed it at all. It would come in handy, but if I travel light enough I’d probably save myself from having to sell another four Blow-Pops a day.

You might still be asking yourself “where did the clean clothes come from” because if I don’t have a house I must not have a washer and drier either. Good point. The easy answer would be that I take my clothes to a coin operated laundromat, but that would be to costly in my mind. Still I would have to wash them somewhere, somehow.

This is where my sleeping arrangements come in. I figure if I have enough friends and family I’ll have a new place to sleep every day of the month, at the least. Who wouldn’t want a fun loving friend or family member to stay the night when they come bearing popcorn (one more Blow-Pop for popcorn) and a movie? “Hey, while I’m here would you mind if I did one small load of clothes”? Problem solved, clothes clean.

Well there you have it, my half-baked plan/dream of becoming a homeless person. It still seems tempting, but now I’m married. I don’t think my wife would be up for it. Oh well, being a trucker is almost like being homeless. I live in a box on wheels. At least I still have my dream.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track at home, that’s about 20 Blow-Pops you’d have to sell everyday to be a way cool homeless person. Of course you’d only be eating one double cheeseburger a day. I’d need at least three a day, so lets say eight more Blow-Pops a day for a grand total of 28 per day. Let’s go ahead and round that up to an even thirty, because you’ve got to keep retirement in mind. Of course this business of selling Blow-Pops didn’t take into account the fact that you’d have to replace the Blow-Pops you sold. Hmmm. So let’s say 60 Blow-Pops a day for good measure. That ought to cover a two week vacation every year too.

If you decide to give it a try let me know how it goes. At least then I can live vicariously through your homeless adventures.

Merry Christmas everyone.

P.S. Three double cheeseburgers a day not enough for you? You’re bound to score some good grub while staying the night with friends and family.