HATE AND ANGER

It has begun, but now what? Be careful what you wish for. You might end up with a blog and nothing to blog about. Dang it, I hate it when that happens. I guess I could just ramble about nothing, but that wouldn’t be very entertaining, now would it? Therapeutic maybe… Maybe not.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just make it up as I go. For starters let me elaborate on my “Hate And Anger”. Those might not even be the right words to describe it, but that’s how it’s always felt to me. Hate and anger. I’ve been known to lose my temper over nothing, put my fist through a wall. Cause a little property damage. Usually it was my property.

Hulking out is a pretty good way to describe the anger part. Pure rage with no thought or direction. “Hulk smash” I can’t even give an example. I was always pretty good about putting such things out of my mind once I calmed down. Again, rather Hulk like. Bruce never knew what that pesky Hulk was up to. I just knew I had a lot of apologizing to do. It was kind of like “look how mad I am, I’m gonna break my stuff, that’s how mad I am”.

It went something like that I guess. As a child I must have received some good attention after a big temper tantrum. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s been a part of me since I was a young teen.

Calming down was always a hard one for me too. Once I Hulked out only time could calm me down. I quickly found that my best way out of a situation was to just walk away. That tended to be cheaper too. It wasn’t always my stuff that got smashed. Temper, temper.

As far as the “hate” part… My feelings were always hot or cold, black or white, love or hate. Like flipping a switch I’d love you one minute and hate you the next. Usually it was just a spur of the moment type thing. “I’ll love you again later, but right now I hate you”.

It’s hard to bring home the level of hate that I felt. It was pure unadulterated hate. Murder, death, kill, type of hate. Not that it ever went that far, but it sure felt like that. It’s a strong word, and there are very few people that I truly hate in the world, but hate if definitely what I felt in those moments.

People always say “forgive and forget”, but I always did it the other way around. There are people that I hate to this day, but I can’t remember why. I figure if I still feel that way, it had to be for a good reason. Not always a spur of the moment type thing. Sometimes you’re branded for life.

I know such feeling can’t be good for me. It’s a terrible feeling to have inside. It’s a part of me that I could do without, if only it were that easy. Sometimes I think it’s the perfectionist in me, not happy with the way things are. Other times I think I’m an asshole. I’m sure a lot of people would agree with the latter.

I’ve always thought of myself more like Spider-Man, and here I am likening myself to the hulk. Well, for now the monster rests. Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I know I don’t.